Something I wrote on 12/30 ...
****
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of so much. I’m afraid of Africa. I’m afraid of going – and all that I’ll face, that I won’t be strong enough to face it, that I’ll be like a little child who’s lost. I’m afraid of the results of Africa. That I’ll fall in love with it and find my place … and be called to it full time. I’m afraid of all that it will mean and require of me. I’m also afraid I won’t be called any further. That it’ll be just another trip. That everything I want it to be, I won’t find. That I won’t find my place, I won’t find a place to fit, or I’ll miss where God has prepared a place for me … or that He hasn’t. I’m afraid I’ve gotten it all wrong. That this stirring in my heart wasn’t what I thought I was. That I’ll find emptiness where I want there to be longing and passion.
I’m also afraid of not going to Africa. I’m afraid of missing the bus – a bus that could be taking me home. I’m afraid of missing an opportunity. I’m afraid of letting doubt stop me. What if this is it? What if this is the time and I let it pass me by?
I’m afraid of the people I love. Of how I love them and how they love me back. I’m afraid its not enough and that its too much. I’m afraid of my life without them. But also I’m afraid of my life with them. Of expectations, disappointments, trust, truthfulness.
I’m afraid of loneliness.
I’m afraid of holiness. I’m afraid of the chasm between me and my King. I’m afraid of who I’m not and the faith I lack. I’m afraid of not being afraid of the majesty of God. Of not recognizing and believing and feeling His greatness. Of seeing Him as less than He is.
I’m tired of being afraid. God, take it away. “Perfect love drives out fear.” You are perfection, you are not fear. You are love … and love and fear can’t exist in the same place.
You know, the more I use the word afraid, the less meaning it seems to have.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
It's beginning ...
Well, I'm 3 days away from getting on a plane headed to Africa! Its been a crazy couple weeks. Part of me is ready for Monday to come, but another part of me is not ... there's still too much to do, too much to savor of my life here, and too many goodbyes to say. However, I'm ready to be done with the waiting ... I'm ready to be done with the nerves ... and I'm ready to be excited. I good friend of mine suggested to me tonight that I step out of the Martha shoes and into the Mary shoes. To simply enjoy the journey I'm on and the plans God has for me - to savor the experience I'm about to have. And she's right to a certain extent. My priorities haven't been where I want them to be. But as she says, it is was it is. And I can't regret the past, but just look to ahead to the future.
So I'm looking to the future. I'm fearful, yes, but I'm ready to be writing about my experiences in Rwanda. To share stories, new friends, and my heart with you. Are you ready?
This is my first entry since July when I started this blog ... let's hope I do better about keeping it up!
If you think of me in the next 48 hours or so, say a prayer - it's probably the Holy Spirit whispering to you to remember me and offer me up to the Lord!
So I'm looking to the future. I'm fearful, yes, but I'm ready to be writing about my experiences in Rwanda. To share stories, new friends, and my heart with you. Are you ready?
This is my first entry since July when I started this blog ... let's hope I do better about keeping it up!
If you think of me in the next 48 hours or so, say a prayer - it's probably the Holy Spirit whispering to you to remember me and offer me up to the Lord!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Am I Crazy??
I’m going back to Africa. I’ve been waiting to say those words for a long time. Now that I say them, it sounds kind of surreal.
For about the last month or so, I’ve been strongly pursuing my potential call to missions. Why do I say potential? I’m not quite sure to be honest. Perhaps its because God is still calling me and I’m beginning to hear Him. Perhaps its because I’m not sure how long term this calling is. Or it could be that He’s already calling me and I’m just getting used to the idea and haven’t surrendered yet. But I guess that’s another blog for another time.
I applied to and was accepted to International Teams in about 5 days, but I wasn’t able to actually commit to serving with them … until today. Yep, its official. In January, I’ll be going to Rwanda for 6 months. I laugh out loud when I think about it. Me? Rwanda? For 6 months? Am I crazy?? But it just feels right. I’m afraid, but I’m excited too. Its nice to finally have the excitement that everyone else around me had when I first started this process, excitement that I didn’t have. I can’t sleep tonight because of it so what better time than to start my first blog. I can picture myself there – with the kids, the church, the team leader, the community, the village. I don’t understand why I’m not more freaked out – I’ve had doubts about whether I can do this, be there and do whatever I’m going to do. Can I survive all the doubts and inferiority complex that was such a stumbling block in Malawi? And its weird … b/c I think I can, I know I can. Especially when I think about how I won’t be doing anything alone – God will be doing it with and through me! Now, please remind me of these words when I’m in Rwanda and in the middle of tearing myself apart. Wow, Rwanda. When I say it, it still makes me do a double-take. Rwanda. Really?
Its been a fearful, emotional, and sometimes frustrating process as I began inquiring and then applying to different mission organizations. It took me several weeks to return the first couple of phone calls I got responding to my inquiries. In my mind, a conversation meant a commitment and I was still too afraid to think about even applying anywhere. Peter is one of my favorite characters in the Bible. In Matthew 14:22-32, when Jesus calls Peter to get out of the boat and come to him in the middle of the lake, he must have been terrified before he took that first step out of the boat onto the water. Surely he would sink! But he didn't let that fear stop him - he did it anyway, and everything else after that was smooth sailing, until of course he took his eyes off Jesus and thought about what he was doing. But my point is, Peter didn’t let his fear of drowning in the raging waters stop him from going to his Master. As John Ortberg says, “if you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat.” I find that with myself, it usually is the first step into something that is the hardest and scariest for me to take and it takes me forever to put my dang foot over the edge and onto the other side. But each step that follows gets easier and easier. In this case, it took me forever to take the first step out of the boat and just apply, but once I did, the other foot just seemed to follow naturally. And now I find that I can see and hear the waves all around me, but I can’t really feel them. I’m sure every once in a while I’ll feel some splatters, and some days they’ll even be splashes, but for now we’ll just call it a mist.
For about the last month or so, I’ve been strongly pursuing my potential call to missions. Why do I say potential? I’m not quite sure to be honest. Perhaps its because God is still calling me and I’m beginning to hear Him. Perhaps its because I’m not sure how long term this calling is. Or it could be that He’s already calling me and I’m just getting used to the idea and haven’t surrendered yet. But I guess that’s another blog for another time.
I applied to and was accepted to International Teams in about 5 days, but I wasn’t able to actually commit to serving with them … until today. Yep, its official. In January, I’ll be going to Rwanda for 6 months. I laugh out loud when I think about it. Me? Rwanda? For 6 months? Am I crazy?? But it just feels right. I’m afraid, but I’m excited too. Its nice to finally have the excitement that everyone else around me had when I first started this process, excitement that I didn’t have. I can’t sleep tonight because of it so what better time than to start my first blog. I can picture myself there – with the kids, the church, the team leader, the community, the village. I don’t understand why I’m not more freaked out – I’ve had doubts about whether I can do this, be there and do whatever I’m going to do. Can I survive all the doubts and inferiority complex that was such a stumbling block in Malawi? And its weird … b/c I think I can, I know I can. Especially when I think about how I won’t be doing anything alone – God will be doing it with and through me! Now, please remind me of these words when I’m in Rwanda and in the middle of tearing myself apart. Wow, Rwanda. When I say it, it still makes me do a double-take. Rwanda. Really?
Its been a fearful, emotional, and sometimes frustrating process as I began inquiring and then applying to different mission organizations. It took me several weeks to return the first couple of phone calls I got responding to my inquiries. In my mind, a conversation meant a commitment and I was still too afraid to think about even applying anywhere. Peter is one of my favorite characters in the Bible. In Matthew 14:22-32, when Jesus calls Peter to get out of the boat and come to him in the middle of the lake, he must have been terrified before he took that first step out of the boat onto the water. Surely he would sink! But he didn't let that fear stop him - he did it anyway, and everything else after that was smooth sailing, until of course he took his eyes off Jesus and thought about what he was doing. But my point is, Peter didn’t let his fear of drowning in the raging waters stop him from going to his Master. As John Ortberg says, “if you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat.” I find that with myself, it usually is the first step into something that is the hardest and scariest for me to take and it takes me forever to put my dang foot over the edge and onto the other side. But each step that follows gets easier and easier. In this case, it took me forever to take the first step out of the boat and just apply, but once I did, the other foot just seemed to follow naturally. And now I find that I can see and hear the waves all around me, but I can’t really feel them. I’m sure every once in a while I’ll feel some splatters, and some days they’ll even be splashes, but for now we’ll just call it a mist.
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