Sunday, January 25, 2009

Something I wrote on 12/30 ...

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of so much. I’m afraid of Africa. I’m afraid of going – and all that I’ll face, that I won’t be strong enough to face it, that I’ll be like a little child who’s lost. I’m afraid of the results of Africa. That I’ll fall in love with it and find my place … and be called to it full time. I’m afraid of all that it will mean and require of me. I’m also afraid I won’t be called any further. That it’ll be just another trip. That everything I want it to be, I won’t find. That I won’t find my place, I won’t find a place to fit, or I’ll miss where God has prepared a place for me … or that He hasn’t. I’m afraid I’ve gotten it all wrong. That this stirring in my heart wasn’t what I thought I was. That I’ll find emptiness where I want there to be longing and passion.

I’m also afraid of not going to Africa. I’m afraid of missing the bus – a bus that could be taking me home. I’m afraid of missing an opportunity. I’m afraid of letting doubt stop me. What if this is it? What if this is the time and I let it pass me by?

I’m afraid of the people I love. Of how I love them and how they love me back. I’m afraid its not enough and that its too much. I’m afraid of my life without them. But also I’m afraid of my life with them. Of expectations, disappointments, trust, truthfulness.

I’m afraid of loneliness.

I’m afraid of holiness. I’m afraid of the chasm between me and my King. I’m afraid of who I’m not and the faith I lack. I’m afraid of not being afraid of the majesty of God. Of not recognizing and believing and feeling His greatness. Of seeing Him as less than He is.

I’m tired of being afraid. God, take it away. “Perfect love drives out fear.” You are perfection, you are not fear. You are love … and love and fear can’t exist in the same place.

You know, the more I use the word afraid, the less meaning it seems to have.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's beginning ...

Well, I'm 3 days away from getting on a plane headed to Africa! Its been a crazy couple weeks. Part of me is ready for Monday to come, but another part of me is not ... there's still too much to do, too much to savor of my life here, and too many goodbyes to say. However, I'm ready to be done with the waiting ... I'm ready to be done with the nerves ... and I'm ready to be excited. I good friend of mine suggested to me tonight that I step out of the Martha shoes and into the Mary shoes. To simply enjoy the journey I'm on and the plans God has for me - to savor the experience I'm about to have. And she's right to a certain extent. My priorities haven't been where I want them to be. But as she says, it is was it is. And I can't regret the past, but just look to ahead to the future.

So I'm looking to the future. I'm fearful, yes, but I'm ready to be writing about my experiences in Rwanda. To share stories, new friends, and my heart with you. Are you ready?

This is my first entry since July when I started this blog ... let's hope I do better about keeping it up!

If you think of me in the next 48 hours or so, say a prayer - it's probably the Holy Spirit whispering to you to remember me and offer me up to the Lord!