Different Kind of Communication

So Ubuzima …

I loved it. We all did. We told one of the leaders we could come everyday. “No, no, no, they can not come every day," he said refering to the Ubuzima members, "they have too much to do.” :) The first part of the “meeting” is prayer and announcements. They introduced us and asked if we wanted to say anything. I was the first to go up ... for those that know me well, and know about my experiences in Malawi, this is a big deal!

There was also a woman who brought two of her friends to the group for the first time. It’s huge if you are a part of this group because that means you are essentially announcing that you are HIV positive. So many people don’t get tested for HIV because of the stigma and also because they just don’t want to know if they have it. But despite the potential ostracization and finger-pointing, the women say that this group has been such a comfort and support to them. Being around people who are going through the same thing as you, its amazing how at peace you can feel. I can relate to that ...

The rest of the time we basically just sat with the women (most of them are women). One of the women had her little girl with her (see photo) and as soon as I waved at her, she came over to sit on my lap. No hesitation or questions asked. She was so cute with her little braids! Finally, the women warmed up and started showing us different knitting/crocheting patterns. As soon as I started to get the hang of one, they’d want to show me another! None of them speak English so its gonna be interesting to communicate. They were so patient with us ... and loved it that we were trying so hard. We all laughed a lot too – mostly them laughing at us. But oh, the smiles on their faces! Its interesting how it can change the whole atmosphere. And laughter ... its amazing how much tension it can erase. And how much you can communicate with laughter. I mean, even just the grunts and raised eyebrows when you were doing something right. It was so refreshing to be in contact with Rwandans. To be in their presence and interacting. Look forward to more of that.

Buses and Ubuzima

We got a big lesson on the bus system yesterday ... we're suppose to try it out tomorrow! Eeek! I'm slowly starting to get a grasp on the city. Oh, let's hope i don't get lost!!

Also went to Ubuzima (HIV ministry) yesterday and had a blast laughing at myself with the women. They started teaching me to crochet. I loved being with them. All of us did. Interesting how a smile on their face just lights up the room! More to come ...

Genocide Memorial

We visited the Genocide Memorial this afternoon. This was something I was looking forward to, believe it or not. I was the last one out ... of course. I'm always the one that takes the longest. I wanted to soak it all in. I could have gone through it a couple more times – I wanted to really understand and there’s so many details and complicated history that I’m still not sure I have my mind wrapped around it all. I actually didn’t get to finish, because they closed!

The first floor is all about the history of the Rwandan genocide. How things were actually going on long before the events of 1994. Basically, the genocide could have been prevented, but because people didn’t pay attention, well ... you know the story.

I was pretty numb through most of this part. I think because I kinda knew what to expect. Either that or I was just dumbfounded by how it could happen. And the fact that I was walking on the same ground that it happened.

Half of the second floor is about all the other genocides that have happened in the world. Like the Holocaust, Bosnia, Kosovo, Namibia (I think??), Cambodia. (which I didn’t realize that many had happened - I mean I remember hearing about the atrocities, but didn’t really realize they were considered genocides. Well, some countries still haven’t declared them genocides).

The other half of the second floor was all dedicated to the children lost in the Rwandan genocide. This is when I got choked up. They had pictures of children who were killed, with their names and what their favorite toy and food was. Who their best friend was, what their personality was like. And how they died. The worst one was a little girl who was beaten to death with a club. And a 5 year old whose eyes were gouged out and then shot in-between them. Its one thing to shoot them, because its over just like that, but it wasn’t just shooting them. There were machetes and clubbing and one baby was even thrown against the wall. I never got to this one, they turned the lights off before I had a chance to finish. Maybe it was God protecting my heart. I heard about the baby from the other interns. Its just beyond me to comprehend how anyone could do such things to a human, but then to a child??!! I mean, there were 2 & 3 year olds! How could someone do such evil things to a child, especially so small and innocent?! And that’s exactly what it is evil – that’s the only explanation to such horrific things. And these were beautiful kids! I can’t even imagine what it’d be like to go through that part of the memorial if I was a parent. I think about some of my friends who are parents, and I honestly don’t think they could handle it. I think they would leave. One of them, I know she probably would avoid it altogether.

(outside the memorial; this is the grave for all those whose bodies have yet to be discovered - kinda like the "tomb of the unknown soldier")

On the way home, Jen asked us our impressions. The thing that was most prevalent was anger. She asked what I was angry at. At first, I couldn’t really put it into words. I was angry that it happened and is still happening today. I was angry that people could let such things happen. That our world is made up of so much corruption. Angry that there are people who could even fathom that things like genocide are okay. And that the horrific and inhuman ways of committing genocide could even exist in one’s thoughts. Were they crazy? Are they crazy? Seriously, are they mentally ill? How does one’s mind form such ideas?

I was angry that these genocides basically happened for no reason. Or if there was a reason, it was so insignificant, so simple, that you just can’t even understand how it could lead to murdering thousands, sometimes millions, of people. How did it get so far? How did anyone think it was okay? I was angry that there is so much ignorance in the world. And so much apathy. And so much desire for power and control. Those are the things that started many of the genocides. I can’t tell you specifically the events behind all the genocides, because I don’t remember. I just remember it didn’t make sense. I remember reading one of the displays several times(I think it was for Armenia), looking for the reason the hatred began. But I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t understand. Perhaps if I knew my history better, and was more up-to-speed with foreign affairs and what is and has been reality and not fed to me as an American, then maybe I could have understood better.

I heard one of the other interns say she just kept thinking, “where was God is all this?” Do you have an answer to that? Really, anyone?

I guess maybe you have to focus on God stopping it. Perhaps? That He didn’t let it continue? That for a time, Satan was holding enough people captive that these atrocities happened. Its all about original sin, right? Its about free will? But how is it okay for so so so many innocent people to pay for the messed up free will of so few? But then there’s also the question, why did God wait so long to rescue the Israelites?

* * * * *

I want to know the stories of people here who lived through the genocide. That was one of the things that attracted me to Rwanda. But I’m not sure how much of those stories I’m going to experience. People don’t talk about it much, from what I’m told. Not that they won’t, but its just a very sensitive subject. Um, understood! And even aside from the heaviness of such a topic, Africans don’t share a lot personally anyway.

I think perhaps I’m going to have to just know that all the people I work with were affected in one way or another. Realize that some maybe are dealing with deeper issues and pain and trauma than others. And then just trust that God will allow my love and heart to penetrate through them and give them the healing and comfort they need. From my experience with Malawi, and I’m finding the same will probably be true of Rwanda, I know that you don’t always have to do things by the book. That there are many ways of communicating and showing love and giving peace … and finding it. So just like I might communicate in a nonverbal way to a Rwandan, perhaps I can also know their story in a nonverbal way. Perhaps the Holy Spirit will tell me their story. And their heart will tell me their story. If I can even get to their heart ...

Ministries: almost there ...

Still adjusting ... slowly. Pray for that - that comfort and peace and familiarity will come SOON!!
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Today we had a pretty intense meeting with Jen. She told us in detail about the ministries of IT we could be involved in. I thought you'd be interested, so here goes ... we haven't gotten our schedules together yet, still getting that worked out.

* Ubuzima (means something like hope in Kinyarwandan)
This is the HIV ministry run by Vivante Church. They minister to about 150 HIV positive people. The main part of the ministry is a meeting on Tuesday afternoons – kinda like a support group – but its mostly women who gather to knit. So I think all 3 of the interns are interested in this ... we’ll probably go and just sit with them and learn to knit/crochet. They don’t know English, so its basically just being present with them and communicating in nonverbal ways. Bingo ... that’s me, one of the things I really learned to appreciate in Malawi! :)

They also go out visiting to people’s homes – only about 50 end up gathering at the house. Most of the others either can’t travel, or just are too busy, or simply aren’t strong enough to make the trip. It sounds like the majority of the women look and seem pretty healthy, but there are some who do look weaker, etc.

As Jen was talking about this ministry, particularly the visiting homes, I started to get teary eyed. I could totally throw myself into this ministry. Its on the top of my list. But I knew it would be even before I left the States. Part of our budget here is a "ministry contribution" ... its extra money that we are suppose to set aside to use to bless people we come in contact with or ministries we are involved in. When we see a need, they want us to have money to be able to answer that call or need. Jen said one of the past interns used most of hers to bring food to the people she visited or to help with an expense that one of the families had. Hmmm, I could get into that.

*Women in Action
Pastor Moureen has a heart for those who have found themselves in the sex trade. This program is a basically a home for former prostitutes. I think she's taken in orphans in the area as well. She was given the property by a family member (I think), it used to be a nightclub so there are rooms along the back where about 20 adults live. Mostly they are women. I think there’s one family.

There are about 30 kids involved in this ministry. I’m guessing they are the children of the women on the property and some other "stragglers" she's adopted. But I’ll find out more soon. Several opportunities here. It sounds like ITeams would love for us to help with a kindergarten program for the little ones not in primary school yet. And then also to be involved in a sort of homework club – helping them mostly with their English and math.

There’s also a traditional church service that takes place on Moureen’s property. I’m excited about this because I don’t think I’m gonna get as much “traditional” singing/church at Vivante Church (Vivante has an English service, in addition to Kinyarwandan - they're the church ITeams is associated with). So I’m hoping to attend this service quite frequently. But we’ll see ... I’m told it can get exhausting.

*Street Kids
Sounds like this is a pretty big ministry. Basically like a mentoring program for kids on the street. Some of the kids live with women from the HIV Ubuzima program. The rest use Vivante Church as the home base. They have a feeding program a couple times a week, gather for football, etc. The intent of this ministry is to meet both the physical needs and spiritual by discipling the kids. A lot of the NGO’s in the area try to reach out to the kids but don’t seem to be very effective. Its because the spiritual nurturance isn’t there with the NGOs. So ITeams finds the chiefs/leaders of the street kids for the different districts of Kigali (kinda makes me think of the book Lord of the Flies), and they bring them together and teach them leadership skills and help them succeed. Then, those kids can care for/mentor/lead the rest of the kids. They send a lot of these 'chiefs' to school and help with basic skills before even entering school – some of them have never held a pencil! So it wouldn’t be surprising to find a 15-year-old in 1st grade. But if the kids want to do it, ITeams supports them. One of the kids from their program is now a commissioner in Kigali – sells real estate.

Jen was telling us that a lot of the kids don’t have any goals or hope - their goals are to just live another day. But eventually you’ll hear them aspire to be taxi drivers – to have their own car and drive around the city and be self-sufficient. This is their dream! Yeah, puts our own dreams in perspective. Sometimes we have so many opportunities that we don’t know what to dream or which goal to chase. The thought of having our own car in the States is not a foreign idea. Its kinda the norm.


SO, tomorrow we’re all going to sit down and talk about what we are interested in and get a schedule together. Hopefully when i get in a routine, it will feel more normal.

Touchdown in Rwanda

Yes, I’m here!

Its now been 5 days since I arrived in Rwanda. I’m slowly adjusting … more slower than I hoped, but I knew that would be the case coming into this. The first few days were REALLY rough. Lots of homesickness, ache for the lack of connection with dear friends, fighting the desire to say ‘yes’ if someone said I could hop on a plane and come home … just simply being overwhelmed by it all.

The thing is, there really hasn’t been that much to be overwhelmed about. We haven’t been hit by too much all at once. I think its been more of my own mind making me crazy.

I didn’t sleep at all the first night. But every night has gotten better – I’m starting to wake up and forget for a moment that I’m in Africa. So that’s a good sign, right? Oh, and I dreamed about the tv show LOST too … so my mind must be getting back to normal.

Because things with ITeams Rwanda have been a little hectic this week with visitors coming in all at once, and the 3rd intern just arriving on Friday, we are finally starting to get into the “nitty gritty.”

I’m living with 2 other interns, Natasha and Jocelyn. Its interesting – I can already tell how we all have different personalities and how those will work well to balance each other out. It'll be challenging, but good. I guess you could say they are both more free spirits and are all about the adventure and trying new things … whereas I’m the more “grounded” one who kinda thinks through things more and says, “wait, let’s find out which bus route is the right one so we actually get home.” We kinda need each other to be the thing that we’re not. Interesting how the sermon today at church touched on the fact that we each have our own spiritual gifts and how they work together in the Kingdom. Well, in so many words ...

Our house is rather daunting ... in Rwanda, there isn’t a middle class. Its either upper or lower class. When I post pictures, you won’t think I’m in Rwanda! But, they’ve told us its important we are as comfortable as possible, since there will be enough culture shock and adjustment as it is. But I’m still taking bucket baths, so that part feels like Africa. :)

We took our first trip to the market yesterday ... this felt more like Africa. Scary for me, but eventually it’ll be good. Right? Its kinda one of your typical Africa experiences. Well, at least in my opinion. We’re staying in the city of Kigali (capital of Rwanda) so its been interesting comparing it to Malawi. In Malawi, I spent the majority of my time in a village, away from most “civilization” whereas in Rwanda, we’re living in the city. A very different feel. Doesn’t feel as much like Africa because of all the development. A lot of people are losing their homes because the government/city wants to build on their property. In fact, one of the members of the church I’ll be attending could be moving into our house because of this. It’ll be interesting to see how the “feel” changes once I get into working with the people and ministries. I think its been hard for me to feel like I’m here because I haven’t had much personal contact with Rwandans yet.

Tomorrow we’re meeting with Jen, the missionary here who is our team leader (and who helped start ITeams Rwanda) to start to map out our schedules and what specific ministries we will be a part of. In talking to Jocelyn and Natasha, I think what we desire out of this experience, how we want to be in ministry and both give and get, are all different. So it’ll be fun to see how each of our stories play out. And it kinda confirms for me that my own heart and compassion are giftings and not necessarily just a given for anyone doing this kind of work. More to come about that one ...

We’re also going to the Genocide Memorial tomorrow – something that, believe it or not, I’ve been looking forward to. Yes, it’ll be rough, but I think it will bring me into Rwanda in a whole other level.

Okay, its 11:30 (Rwanda time) and I really should have been sleeping by now … more to come!

Something I wrote on 12/30 ...
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I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of so much. I’m afraid of Africa. I’m afraid of going – and all that I’ll face, that I won’t be strong enough to face it, that I’ll be like a little child who’s lost. I’m afraid of the results of Africa. That I’ll fall in love with it and find my place … and be called to it full time. I’m afraid of all that it will mean and require of me. I’m also afraid I won’t be called any further. That it’ll be just another trip. That everything I want it to be, I won’t find. That I won’t find my place, I won’t find a place to fit, or I’ll miss where God has prepared a place for me … or that He hasn’t. I’m afraid I’ve gotten it all wrong. That this stirring in my heart wasn’t what I thought I was. That I’ll find emptiness where I want there to be longing and passion.

I’m also afraid of not going to Africa. I’m afraid of missing the bus – a bus that could be taking me home. I’m afraid of missing an opportunity. I’m afraid of letting doubt stop me. What if this is it? What if this is the time and I let it pass me by?

I’m afraid of the people I love. Of how I love them and how they love me back. I’m afraid its not enough and that its too much. I’m afraid of my life without them. But also I’m afraid of my life with them. Of expectations, disappointments, trust, truthfulness.

I’m afraid of loneliness.

I’m afraid of holiness. I’m afraid of the chasm between me and my King. I’m afraid of who I’m not and the faith I lack. I’m afraid of not being afraid of the majesty of God. Of not recognizing and believing and feeling His greatness. Of seeing Him as less than He is.

I’m tired of being afraid. God, take it away. “Perfect love drives out fear.” You are perfection, you are not fear. You are love … and love and fear can’t exist in the same place.

You know, the more I use the word afraid, the less meaning it seems to have.

It's beginning ...

Well, I'm 3 days away from getting on a plane headed to Africa! Its been a crazy couple weeks. Part of me is ready for Monday to come, but another part of me is not ... there's still too much to do, too much to savor of my life here, and too many goodbyes to say. However, I'm ready to be done with the waiting ... I'm ready to be done with the nerves ... and I'm ready to be excited. I good friend of mine suggested to me tonight that I step out of the Martha shoes and into the Mary shoes. To simply enjoy the journey I'm on and the plans God has for me - to savor the experience I'm about to have. And she's right to a certain extent. My priorities haven't been where I want them to be. But as she says, it is was it is. And I can't regret the past, but just look to ahead to the future.

So I'm looking to the future. I'm fearful, yes, but I'm ready to be writing about my experiences in Rwanda. To share stories, new friends, and my heart with you. Are you ready?

This is my first entry since July when I started this blog ... let's hope I do better about keeping it up!

If you think of me in the next 48 hours or so, say a prayer - it's probably the Holy Spirit whispering to you to remember me and offer me up to the Lord!